outlook.

I have reached the bottom today and am finally realizing it has never been worse. I have gotten so used to this depression and anxiety that it seems as if it is a piece of who I am, but this is something else now. A beast that has taken control and wants nothing more than me dead and I do not know what to do. Normally I can wake up and have an hour of peace and just normal, but today I woke up to the empty but oh so heavy sadness that I normally feel later in the day. So, today I reached out for help from my mom who in the past always shut me down saying I must be sick with the flu or something else that is a physical illness…. which she did once again.

She asked me if I was going to be depressed the entire time I was down here… I told her yes because I feel so empty. She responded with oh it must be for the mono you had (5 months ago) and I need to wait it out. I then asked for the phone number to their doctor because I need help and the only way she will realize it is when she finds me dead…. and I am so scared because I know that’s the only way I will get help from her…. once it is too late. So I called the doctor told her that I wasn’t feeling well and I was depression and anxious and that I had mono a few months back as well. She told me mental stuff isn’t covered under my insurance and that I will need to schedule a mono check-up…. so thats where I am at…. reaching out for help from someone I never wanted to reach out too as a last base to be okay here…. and thats it. I will talk about my depression at this check-up even though I was told not to because…. what else can I do this is my last chance to get help here… Today is the day I realized being here will never be okay, I will never make it out of here if I don’t make the plunge. I asked myself, what is scarier? Death or jumping into the world?

 

Death, so here I go…. or at least here I hope I go. Today I made the decision to start getting plans together to leave this place because I know I don’t have much time as I am now, and being at least being with my significant other that recognizes my illness will help so much. It will be the hardest thing to move so soon because saving more money would have been great…. but what good is it if I am not here? So, today I made the decision to get better. Today I felt the worst I ever have, but also the best I ever have. Such a strange feeling, I am terrified of moving so far but I am more terrified of dying here.

Still wishing I had a better job set up there, but  this will always be a problem I guess. I can’t have it all, but if I can have enough to stay where I am happy I am confident that things will be better. If things are better I will be more inclined to start doing things to make me feel better because right now I have no want to get better…. but now that I see change on the horizon I want to be better.

I really do.

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The struggle.

I can never control my emotions, and I really do mean that. Daily its a struggle to not just be on or off but in the middle. It is either frantic anxious crazy or completely shut down from the world. I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression for most of my life, but after graduation and medications, its been a downward spiral. Crazy thing is, I can’t even remember life before this so I don’t even know what or who to blame anymore. My body is overflowing with the want to blame and self-hatred because I despise the person I see. I hate doing anything, and have put all my hopes into something that I am sure will never work; but I’ve reached a point where nothing else can bring me happiness. Or at least, that’s how I see it.

 

Here is a little   with everything now, with some facts and details omitted because in no way do I want to be known, but this is all I could think to do…. blog. I grew up in a place that is always sunny and it was all I ever knew. I struggled with an eating disordered which left me hospitalized in sixth grade. From this experience, I developed  anxiety and depression. Thankfully, the eating disorder has mostly taken the backseat with the anxiety and depression speeding down the windy dangerous road. I only feel like I am strapped in the backseat praying that I don’t go over the edge. Over the years I have learned not to use the term suicidal, but it’s hard to define how I feel and feel like it sounds as serious as it is…. but not like put me on a psychiatric hold. Anyways, once I got to college, it mostly got better and I can’t even remember when suddenly…. it didn’t. And when I say it didn’t you can imagine the worst fear of living, bugs crawling on my skin, slamming my fists into walls for the smallest things. From there, I went to therapy and got medication which I never took because you know death is scary but medication that could make this nightmare worse was honestly scarier than death itself. I felt better, and went onto graduation. I was excited everything was about to get better…. everything was about to get so much worse. I moved home from college and my significant other who had been my support…. they, although still by my side are far far away. Again I was and am alone. I have isolated myself with constant hopes of going back to where I am happy…. but now I realize why so many people make the college jokes where you graduate and nobody is hiring. I’ve even fallen back to applying to non-degree jobs, but still nothing. I work at an abusive job currently and home life isn’t much better. What a life to live. #postcollegedepression

Writing, is not my thing… never has been never will be. But since I’ve lost interest in art and most everything else this is what I can find comfort in from my bed. These words feel like my last grasp on sanity.

Be patient, calm down

 

icant. But I will force myself to come back to this, or at least I will try.